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June 18 My birthday17 but am i any better?
my birthday just passed. and im a year older. does this make anything in life any different than it was before? honestly, i think not. A challenge faced by most teens in the world: growth. Growing up is a hard thing, especially as more time passes by. we hope to get more matured and try real hard to be successful, but many do fail.
WELL... lets get a bit more happy here...right now, i wanna talk about the events that happen in favor of... *drum roll*.... me!hehehe... im kinda self absorbed at times.. do forgive me :P... anyways... people of the world... my birthday... 16 June.. many forgot it was my birthday and actually thought it was on the 17th... and to make things even more dissappointing, when i had my birthday party, a lot of people thought it was for my sister and not me.
The day of my birthday itself wasnt as fabulous as i thought it would be. i stayed over at my cousin's house considering the fact that my whole family was apart.My father was going to start his research on the 17th so he had to stay back in shanghai. my sister had to attned a conference. and my mom..,. well... i avoid my mom. so, yeah on the eve of my birthday, i was at my cousins and lamely enough, there was a blackout and i ended up spending four hours in the dark. to pass the time my cousin, pradheep, tried his levels best to teach me how to play the first part of Ronan Keeting's When you say nothing at all. amazingly, i got it.. with MANY setbacks. at midnight, the power came back and just in the nick of time! another cousin of mine, praveena surprised me with some candles at the time.. it was touching. althoguh my family wasnt around, my cousins made up for it.i was up in the night talking to my cousins until i finally fell asleep.
next morning, i get up at about 8.. yes people... EIGHT! i studied. once again people of the planet earth, as amazing as it sounds.. I STUDIED ON MY OWN BIRTHDAY! hahahha... i fooled around at my cousin's place and decided to help my aunt out in her moral classes. we had the kids make crowns for their dad's for fathers day.it was so cute.later in the night, i didnt do anything and actually had a nervous breakdown. i missed my dad loads and it was having a very bad impact on me. later, that night, and this is funny people.. brace yoursleves, i had people calling my at 12.00am on the 17th wishing me happy birthday! they thought my birthday was on the 17th! can you believe it??? i slept off of course and got up the next morning and started preparing for my birthday party. skipping all the boring details, ill just get into my party itself. the people who came: Myself, duh~!, my sister, praveena, pradheep,mitharan, nathasha, shohael, pheroz, sukhvir, sanjiv, taraz, and his friend, tanisha, diane, and loads of adults. the program? water balloon dodgeball! ill upload the pictures when i get them. it was absolute fun. we tried drenching one of my older cousins but failed miserably. my sister instead of hittting others with the water balloon had the tendency of bursting the balloon on her own self. and after three rounds of the game and around 200 water balloons later, all the youths grabbed me and held me down as they threw a whole bucket of water on me.
After that, there was just some random games and stuff. the presents were fabulous and u can say i got everything i wanted. money, gifts. everything. in the end, everythign turned out just right. June 09 oh, fishnets!crap. i'm all emo again. dont know why this time. im not myself no more. i guess all i want to write this time is something that kinda speaks to me... dont exactly know why, but it does:
"if I love you, i need not continually speak of my love - you will know without any words. on the other hand if i love you now, that also would you know - and you would not believe me, were i totell you in a thousand words, that i loved you."
It's pretty deep, but i think it says a lot, dont you? May 20 honesty, the best policyhonestly, i don't know what happening anymore. i've lost everything that i held dear to me.. it sucks. life is getting worst and worst. my dad used to tell me, there are three things to keep my mind focused on: my faith, my family and my studies.. lately, i've been ignoring all three. let me elaborate..
first.. my faith.
ever since i came back from shanghai, i've been trying to return back to my normal self, but its not really working. i got back into my religious activities.. but it doesnt feel really the same anymore. i still love doing all the stuff, its just, people are expecting more and more from me now. before, people just wanted me to do things and that was it. i do the job the best i can and --- its done. but since i came back, ive been taking in too much work and taking the fall for a lot of things. i and a few other youths organized an amazing race, and because of certain, issues... i get the blame for the lack of organization. i get the balme for the inperfections, but not a single thank you. i used 70 bucks on buying absolutely everything to make it the best possible.. but nothing. no thanks. no 'good job!' nothing. so u can say, lately, its gotten to me.. lately, i just dont feel like organizing anything. especailly when i know its me who will be yelled at if some thing goes wrong and not the people who are elder than me and are more responsible.
next, my family
things with my family is kinda messed up, like always. been fighting with my mom.. seeing my dad for only a week a month. having a lot of arguments with my sister. my school sent a letter to my home saying ive skipped more than two weeks int he past 5 months... i wanted to intercept the letter before it reached my parents so i could handle it myself.. my sister got it before i could, and she's threatening to tell my parents. i know its wrong.. but skipping skool is the only way i can get away from my parents for a few hours.; thankfully, now my mom is working.. and she,.... she;s a work-a-holic. she goes to work at 7 and comes home at 7.. soemtimes even at 10.. she cares more about her work than her own children., my opinion of course. my dad';s not gonna be back for my birhtday.. neither is my sister. i usually do somethng grand for my birhtday every year.. but this year.. i see no point. my own family isnt gonna be around, so whats the point.
finally, my studies
STUDIES. thats a word many refuse to mention. i hate my studies. i think everyone does. its not going well basically. i think i failed a few subjects again, and that aint nice. im not smart like how i used to be. sself confidence kinda got to me, making me study less and fool around more. just.. no mood lately.
anyways. guess life is gonna continue throwing hard balls at me and i think im gonna keep on missing. baseball is a funny thing. strike one. stirke two. strike three.. YOU'RE OUT! April 10 When the going gets toughlife is really terrible for me at the moment. everything i do seems to hurt others and i really dunno how to deal with it no longer. i used to have everything. but now, i have nothing. i had the best ppl in my life, but i just let them slip out of my fingers. i feel like shit cause i let something like that happen. normally, i would fight for what i believe in, but now i feel to tired and useless to do so. i know it sounds lame but thats my current situation. can u actually imagine, being in so much love with someone, but let them go because u had a lil doubts about how you feel? well i did. of course, now i realise my mistake. pity i couldnt see it earlier.
My studies are going downhill i think. im trying my best to cope, but i dont really think i can handle it. the worst part is, the one person i think who can help me is not allowed to. strange huh? i dont wanna go for tuitions cause that;ll just take over my whole life. i dont wanna ask help from my sister cause she will get a lil cocky. she thinks she's so smart sometimes. it bothers me so much.
My parents, well, acutally my mom in specific is making my life even more miserable. thank the lord she;s working now. i just wish she could stay in her office forever. haih.
Other than that, i think im losing all my friends. my attitude isnt exactly liked by many as it used to be. my change isnt accepted much, so i have to change myselof all over again, and through out the changing process, people are still complaining about how i am. i dunno.. its just so messed up, and im getting so pissed. everything i do is wrong. i hold some one's hand and its wrong, i sit alone in a room with a guy,its wrong. i talk to a guy the way i talk to all guys and its wrong. what can i do right?
Im just a breaking point now.. im skipping school occasionally and people dont like that either. i mean,m i understand people when they dont like it, but they dont know whats really going on beneath it all. they dont really wanna cut me slack. well, since i have a chance now, ill tell you why i do this whole skipping school thing: cause i have to. my parents scream and fight with me, i get so hot tempered at home that if i dont cactually go out of the hse, i will ACTUALLY hit someone, and i dont wanna physically hurt anyone. another reason is cause, even at school i get stressed. with the amount of homework, i will murder something. with mey relationship problems, i need a way to let my depression all out, and skipping school is actually my form of depression.
FACT: i come from a really conservative, protective family who's parents want theire kids to be perfect. i know a lot of ppl out there may be going through this same problem, and may say that skipping school is not the answer, but different people have different methods, and my method is this. im sorry for those out there who are reading this and care about me if ive offended them, but this is the only way i can express my self. please understnad. March 27 feelings let outheart breaking. Mind boggling. Depression mania i go through. Confusion. Loss. Emotional breakdown. Sorrow. Anguish. Why? Because of the man i love. i want him so bad but i can't have him. He makes my heart beat faster every time i hear his voice, everytime i feel his touch. He makes me a whole different person whenever he is near me. What love can do to a person is amazing. Your heart goes in overdrive. You don't think straight. You don't act yourself anymore. You feel like nothing matters unless you're in front of the person you love. You feel like no food can satisfy your hunger because all you yearn for is his love. Oh, love. The pain.The heartache.The misery. February 23 Dudette's...check it.. life?? confusing with a capital C. neothing seems like its been planned anymore... u think u know exactly what ur gonna do with your life and suddenly... POOF! everything goes the exact oppostie of what uv planned. for instance, guys. u think one guy is the one at times and then at another instant, other ppl start to interest you more.yeah.. i guess by the beginning of my blog today, you can see that life aint all that great again... but then again.. when is it ever?
The only good news so far, is about the debate that im in. i got through the full week of try outs and auditions and it was major torture. it was like going throuhg american idol. the audition was like, u had to spotaneously speak about soemthing in front of 4 teahcers, and theyd put u in the next round based on that. and the fact was that when i started, i kinda made a blooper with my intro. and like, after 20 seconds of talking, the teacher asked me to take a seat. i thought, ok... maybe she doesnt wanna waste time, but then she let the girl right after me to talk for like 2 mintues! i was like, omg... im completely out of this now. turns out, i did get through the round. and then, they started making us stay back after school EVERYDAY, and slowly ppl began to be less committed to the debate and it all came down to 5 last ppl who were the final debaters. i got the 3rd speaker chair which is totally wat i wanted cause no script is involved and i speak spontaneousloy which is what i do best.so, yeah. i got what i wanted. like i always do :)
anywasy... thats about all thats happened this month.. there are more.. erm.. intimate.. ahahah. wait... wrong word... there are more deeper things that was gone on since this month, but writting that on an online blog, would just be absolutly stupid.
Catch ya later!
Gong Xi Fa Choi! January 26 School has returnedso. i havent written for about a month now and i guess as usual.. a lot of things have happened. Firstly, hc is over. it wasnt as terrific as it couldve been. it was swarming with freshmens! that totally sucked! it was for 7 days this time and it was really short. there 6 teams this year and it wasnt great. spirit was pretty low compared to other years. haihz.damn.well... besides that.. i went to the holyland and had an ok time. got into trouble with my parents again which is starting to become a habit of mine.ive gotten lectured nearly everyday now. dad;s most recent lecture was really... erm... reflective? im not sure exactly how and if his talk had effected me but it did make me want to show him that i can be whoever i want to be and do things my way and still fulfil wat he wants. he says that im all distracted and i should only focus on three things: my studies, my faith and my family.that doesnt sound so hard actually but considering my latest attitude i guess dad;s just afraid i might drift away. but the thing that they dont know is the more they stress me on things, the more i wanna get away from them. for instance, the more they stress me on my studies, the more i dont want to study. the more they tell me to be close to the famiyl, the more i might driftaway. the more they tell me to be clos to the faith, the less and less i feel connected to the faith. everything is just a little messed up for me at the moment. December 16 muahaha!Right... i know im a little crazy right now but i can help but be happy... this week has been weird on me but i guess it all comes down to being great anyways... im a bahai see and we have these books we have to finish and i just finished book 5! its so exciting! its an absolutely great book! its something u HAVE to go through... besides that... todays is gonna be Tanisha's birthday party which im sure is gonna be great!
All the best to everyone and the new year! December 04 RighteousGreat... bored like hell.. nothing to do.. stuck at home... feelingdepressed half the time... dont know wats wrong with me. suddenly i feel like everything is very messed up when actually nothing is. I have this total emo problem that keeps me up all night thinking about things that shouldnt be thought of that late in the night. It sucks. Im not allowed out cause im apparently ONLY 16. its so lame. for crying out loud trust me mom and dad! Its not likeim gonna have sex with some guy i dont know! i mean... COME ON!!! It sucks like hell.. so... right now im at home all alone doing absolutely nothing. if mom was at home this very second she;d yell at me for having the tv on while im online. wat ever. there;s just nothing to do! cant wait to go out on wed. Hope i get wat i want.
Life can be great at times huh? so great and so VERY BORING. Hahaha. OMG. Someone please tell me to dosomething . this is so totally boring.
OH! yeah... the visa's came in... like a week late... now were apparently supposed to go to turkey in the first week of january. Its a little messed up cause i ahve skool then and they have this curiculum activities that they pick the president and shit and i wanted to be there in hopes to be elected president of the english club. its so depressing now cause i thought i could me=ake next year my year if i became president. apparently not. I was so looking forward to it. guess my dreams just crashed before my eyes again huh.
On a less depressing note... HC is in a few more weeks! i cant wait for holiday college to start! Holiday college for all those out there who dont know is this camp for teenagers from the age of 12 to 17. and its totally cool! its so much fun. ithe major one is actually for 10 days and though it may seem like a pretty ling time it acdtually isnt. before u know it, the time would;ve passed and the 10 days are over. that place feels like home no matter how u look or talk. language is never the barrier some homw and age isnt a factor no matter who u are. Its such a great place. Parents would be delighted to send their kids there cause it gets their kids away from their computers and cellphones and internet and tv's for 10 whole days. its great for us too cause we get to make new friends and we spend time away from our boring home. I love it so much cause ive been going since i was 11 and its always treated me fine.
My first year of hc was a little hard cause i was known as the principle's daughter to a few people and no one there was my age. but eventually i made a few friends. My second year was even better cause friends around my age began to come. By my third year when i was 13... i had experianced the best hc ever. It was the first ever 10 day holiday college.The previous ones were actually only for 3 days. That hc was the best cause we were put into houses like harry potter and we had to sit in our houses to eat, bathe in the same toilet with the people of your same house play all the games to earn pi=oints for your team. I ev=nded up in the house called muhajir and it was great. We had the highest team spirit and my cousin, Praveena was in that house with me. in june 2004 there was a three day holiday college and it was still great. The 2004 10 day hc didnt go as well as planned. Afew youths started getting together and having relationships which is a definate no no. It was a disaster in some sort of a way. The 2005 hc in June was great and some stuff that was bad did happen but is was still good anyways.
The 2005 hc was a blast. There were a total of 10 teams each with a team leader and i ended up being one of the chosen team leaders. My team name was nur which means light. Me and two other friends the same age as me at that time were the youngest team leaders and we all ended up getting the top three ranks. My team got first place and tot ell you the truth.. it wasnt easily. handling some people can be pretty hard but all that mattered to me in the end was that we all felt like a family before we went back. the bond my team mates have was terrific. i miss them a lot till now! hahah. yeah. this years hc is in a few more weeks.. two to be exact. it start on 22nd and ends on the 29th. its only for 7 days this time unfortunatly. but anyways... its still coming!!! ahahhaha... yay!!
November 28 NO goHaihz... no go... no go... were not going to turkey.. how depressing is that... ive waited for 6 years for this and now i cant go... why?? well.. there are reasons to it.. so now im just stuck at home studying my butt off for next years exams.. how lame is that?? studying during the holidays??? dad says i shouldnt relax as next year is supposed to be a big year for me.. its kinda stressful in some sense the pressure ive been getting lately and im pretty sure a lot of u out there are receiving the same pressure as i do.. guess all our parents want is for us to be sucessful in the future... some of them unfortunately want us to do wat they couldnt do before... but wat ever... guess all i want to do now is get through life without getting killedor murdered... weird thoughts huh?? November 17 A thousang apologiesHey all... im really sorry i couldnt find the time to continue my blog... been swamped like crazy with so many things... its strange. When i was in shanghai i had time to do so many things... but now i don't even have time to spend time with myself. Well... skool's just over and im so relieved. It's a great feeling to be free once again. I'm off to turkey next week for two weeks and im hoping im gonna enjoy and appreciate every moment of it.
So. How's life? its ok. I guess. . My studies are ok . U can say i caught up with what was being taught at skool. I have a foreign exchange student friend and she's pretty nice.
Dad and mom are in shanghai at the moment so its just me and jie alone at home till sunday. we've been alone at home for like 8 days now and things are going pretty well. when its just me and her we dont fight at all but the minute mom comes back all hell breaks loose. Dad's still working in shanghai and he comes back to see me and jie every month for a few days. Miss dad a lot but i think i prefer life this way.
My friendship with people at skool is great. im a lot more closer to tanisha than i was last year and me and diane and still best friends more than ever. The guys at skool are totally cool.
Life at the moment has its ups and downs. Things have been said about me in the owrld and i dun really care anymore. HC is coming in a months time and i cant wait. hahaha! anyways... for all those friends out there who have read my blog update... thanks for reading!
Muakx!!
July 12 OLA AMIGO'S!hEY PEOPLE! How r ya??? so.... back for like mor ethan a month now and things are trying to get back to normal... at least... i think... my being with many men at once has kinda like started again... its really complecating... my exams are in like three weeks and i don;t understand a thing going on at skool... i ABSOLUTELY hate it... and then... just yesterday... i did the worst thing i could do... i overdosed myself with medication... i took 20 tablets of panadol (10g) and i was puking like the whole day... its completely pathetic... i dont know what i was thinking when i took it... i dont know what gotten into me... my dad said yesterday that maybe he wants to bring me back to shanghai cause his office has increased the amount they are willing to pay for their employee's children;s education... now the pressure is back... haihz... y can;t i have a little more of a normal life? i mean ... i love my life and everything... but y does it have to be this complecating??? anyways... thanks for all the support u guys have been giving me... i really appreciate it! June 06 Back in ActionSo... im back... back in Malaysia where i really belong... but it turns out... somethings up... life ere isnt how i remebered it to be... yea .. i get back here but something just doesnt feel right.. its strange... god noes wat is gnna happen to my life anymore... i mean... my parents are at their breaking point at the moment... with the family torn apart between shanghai and malaysia.. who noes how life is gonna be... May 18 FINALLY!!!Finally!!! Life is all jelly beans for me... Its absolutely great!! Im going home to Malaysia back again... yay!!!! HOME SWEET HOME!!!! God i miss home so much... cant wait to get back... to ell u the truth.. life hasnt always been all that sweet latel... after all... i HATE JELLY BEANS! yeah.. u see.. i write novels and stuff but lately... everything i wirte is coming true... i noe... isnt that suppsed to be a good thing? well its not... u see... it so happens that i wrote about death... well not death in specific... but death in a form f a person dying... and what happened 2 weeks ago to me?? my good fren here in shanghai dies.. and she was only 14.. damn.... y must the good die young??? April 27 Jz for funHello again!!!! okay... so what has been happening??? well, ive found out that my family might be going back home.... to stay.... for good.... pretty god news the problem is, my dad hasnt made his final decision yet.... its s lame.... my sis got her scholarship to got to a skool in msia... so shes set to go to msia... im a different story.... its so confusing.... skools ok at the moment... my midterm jz passed and i topped a few classes.... so yeah, lifes ok.... not to bad... wishing i had more people emailing me of course... but yeah.... overall... ok! April 08 Damnit!!!So, yeah... absolutely pefect... my computer is broken again and it totally sux!!! im trying my best to fix it ... theyre so gonna kill me... i need help from whoever is reading this if they know what it means when the computer says that 'NTLDR is missing, press any key to restart.' when it boots up... i need help people!!!! April 03 When tears flowReally upset now... my dad just told me thati have to stay here untill 3 years time.... and i dont want to... i really thought ill be going back in April cause the news was that if my sis screws her mid term here in shanghai... mom me and my sis will all go back to msia... apparently the plan has changed... now... whether my sis screws or not... im gonna be stuck here... damnit! im so upset now.... i hate this so much... i want to go home so bad... i miss my frens and my family... i miss them so much... i wish inever wished to come here in the first place... god this sux... y oh y did my parents have to listen to me when i said i wanted to leave this country? y??? y couldnt they just listen to me when i said i wanted a mp3? or when i wanted a handphone?.... maybe i shouldve wished for that... it wouldve been much safer.... gosh... i so want to get out of here... this life here sux... it so happened that today... my bike got stolen.... my comp couldnt work for a while and my dad doesnt like my green nails!! i have so much bad luck today... i also slept in my math class (didnt get caught of course but slept anyhow) and then i get news that this is gonna be my lifestyle for the next 3 years!!! i cant believe this... one bad thing after the other... what happen to 3 bad things equals to one good thing? this is so not fair... i hate this!!! April 01 The BeginningSo yeah... my name's Nadia and this is my first blog... so what can i say... this is supposed to be a blog.. something that lets me let everyone know how i feel... well this is it... i fell terrible... i hate my life so much... ok... sounds to me like i have a serious attitude problem right? well... if you've actually read my introduction, you would and should know why.. i've been travelling my whole life, never staying in one place for more than 9 years... ive never experianced a normal life... my dad's a professor and he got trasferred(more like offered a job) to shanghai and my whole family had to follow... my mom... from a working never see's her children mom, has now become a stay at home mom... i go to school, i see her, i come home i see her... that just sux's... and my sister... both she and i sat for this major exam last year and i got my results earlier than her... so i didn't ace the whole thing... but come on... the least my parents should do is at least tell me they're okay with it... but no... they tell the world that i screwed up... that i'm not as smart as my sis... thank god that only lasted for a week... but then just 3 weeks ago... my sis gets her results and she gets these really good grades which whomps like hell because my sister has this serious lack of modesty thing... she goes around bragging to the world of how smart she is and how wrong was i to say that she wont do well... the truth is... i have a miserable life... and i sometimes even want to die... but u noe what... i wont.. and i cant... it may sound to you like if got major issues.... honestly i do... people tell me going to a therapist could help... but come on... why go to a person, tell them everything u feel and pay them? doesnt make any sense when u look at it like that right? anyways... send your comments in if you've got something to say... |
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